Monday, July 25, 2005

Wish that I could do my MSc Psych, in a different way. I started to do it through Mother Teresa University, and they are pretty messy with the Distance Edu thing. I might get myself transferred to another Univ.. I am just gonna look at the MPhil options now. And find out which univ gets me the best course, on Distance Edu of course. Lets see.. maybe another 3 years and I will have those Dr. letters before my name.

Vasudha Aunty happened to meet a lady and a gentleman who were the first Principals of Vidya Mandir, if I remember right. Happened that they both are extremely intellectual. While the lady remained single, the man married. It was like that in earlier, most women like her had to remain single, or chose to remain single.

I wonder why it is like this, and the men always find a supportive spouse. Is it that they dont find men who are mature enough to accept their intelligence.. I know of lots of men, have read about them, every tabloid has more or less talked about this 'phenomenon', wherein the men are pretty uncomfortable with their ladies, if they do better than they do, if they earn more than thet do, are more successful or popular in their careers, (and God forbid if they are in the same field and workplace) if they are not the typical home birds. Now why does this happen? This is something I am looking for answers to. In this Blog. Please comment away.. ! One answer to that was, that there is no love then. (Why I am concentrating on this love and marriage issue, I plan to counsel in Pre marital and Marital counselling). In love, there is no jealousy, they only want growth in each other. Even if it means that one is better than the other. And the typecasting that has been happening for ages, that the man is the gatherer and the woman is the nourisher or something like that, now since role reversals are happening all over the world, I think this is one of the reasons that marriages break. More than that, there is no tolerance. To answer the question of why did a marriage not work?? She/He just found the wrong man/woman..! (Except in cases of domestic violence, which also stems from the way the individual has been brought up,and the surroundings he has been in)
Well, I basically think there is no such thing as a wrong man or a woman, just that they dont know, sometimes, the right things that have to be done to make a marriage work. No tolerance and no giving in. And frankly there is no such thing as love in this day and age. Marriage has become a convenience. Arranged marriages check out all the pre-requisites and there are a set of people deciding whether two people should marry each other. And love marriages, same thing, more or less, except that they work on a basic attraction maybe...(?) and also maybe they think they 'know' the other. Whats the bottom line, to this looong winding analysis? Well something that I want to find out.. and I want to do that soon. Maybe its tolerance. And also compassion to each other. Or the lack of both. Not only in case of a spouse, but with parents, children, siblings...... And maybe its because people really have to love each other. Love as of now is pretty non existent. *sigh*

And though this post does concentrate on women and how times are unfair to them, I realise it happens the other way round too.. Peace..! I am not a feminist!

And two quotes by Swami Sivananda, one pertaining to the Anniyan post : " Do not bother yourself much about reforming this crooked world. Reform yourself first. Then the whole world can be reformed. How can you help the world when you yourself are weak and ignorant?"

"Open your hearts to compassion.................A compassionate heart is the abode of God.

I am liking today. Its monday and there is lot of activity happening. :)

17 comments:

Deepa said...

Hi Chinmayi,

Was pleasantly surprised when i saw ur comment in my blog...Thanks!

I always wonder how in an arranged marriage the couple( who are two strangers in the beginning) make their marriage work to last a lifetime (or even "janmas")...is it a concious effort or does it just 'happen'?

Almost everyone has the idea of their perfect lifepartner...and nowhere in that dreamgirl/boy does the person even imagine the other person to be superior(careerwise or otherwise)in anyway...maybe that is where the dream hits the harsh reality and obviously the fragile dream shatters leaving it to the couple to pick up the broken pieces. And it is up to them to throw the pieces away or put them back together to create a whole new picture.

I'm sure u'll get a better perspective about marriages when ur married!

Arjuna_Speaks said...

Chinmayi,

Regd, the reform yourself first - I have added a new topic in my blog - it is also related to you (ARR's show) - check it out!! This world is ruthless!!

Anonymous said...

evolution. it hits the mans ego when he sees his partner more succesful than he. why not the other way around you might ask..well call it genetic coding if you will..but eversince the caveman era..man protects women..women cooks..man hunts..women cooks..blah blah..

yeah right..another mcp you might wonder..no..jus calling a spade a spade.

moreover..as you might've read elseware too..the love marriage you speak off..is coming together of two people who more often than not, are self-centered individuals..with their own set of egos..views..blah blah..

yeah the courting days are great..but is still self-centered..quoting from one of the books that you've read.."men give love to get sex..women give sex to get love."..yeah i've read that too..as long as the partners are looking to feed off each other for various self-interests of theirs..its heading to splitsville..just a matter of time.

true love if at all it exists..the one you are talking about..takes time & effort and understanding each other..were both partners are secure individuals,. and truly want the other person to be happy no matter what..it might exist..but is very rare imho…it def cannot only be the feelin that you in ur gut..where you are dreamy..sigh..butterflies flying..the rush..waitin to see the partner.

Arjuna_Speaks said...

Chinmayi,
The answer to your queries regd the psych of man and woman lies in their brain! The psychic and emotional predominate in woman and the intellectual and materialistic in man. Its due to their brain structures. This means that in most cases, men and women do not behave, feel, think, or respond in the same ways, either on the inside or on the outside.

The male brain is highly specialized, using specific parts of one hemisphere or the other to accomplish specific tasks. The female brain is more diffused and utilizes significant portions of both hemispheres for a variety of tasks.
Men are able to focus on narrow issues and block out unrelated information and distractions. Women naturally see everyday things from a broader, “big-picture” vantage point.
Men can narrowly focus their brains on specific tasks or activities for long periods of time without tiring. Women are better equipped to divide their attention among multiple activities or tasks.
Men are able to separate information, stimulus, emotions, relationships, etc. into separate compartments in their brains, while women tend to link everything together.
Men see individual issues with parts of their brain, while women look at the holistic or multiple issues with their whole brain (both hemispheres).
Men have as much as 20 times more testosterone in their systems than do women. This makes men typically more aggressive and dominant.

Arjuna_Speaks said...

One more thing - Love is the selfless love shown by a mother to her children..the selfless love shown by the Divine to all beings..All the other types of love is just selfish!! The so called Love between man and woman is not love - but Lust!! Everything is physical!

Chinmayi said...

I wanted to add about the selfless love of a mother. But that would become too heavy in this post. I thought I will follow this up. And yes. I have read all about the genetic coding, brain wiring, I have mugged it all up, but I sincerely believe that there is no such thing that the human can not change. If someone could cure cancer in their body, just by optimistic thinking, then dont you think all behavioural issues, are lesser than cancer? Flaws that can be overcome? And dont you think its upto us, and I think it all boils down to the one thing. EGO. Its soooooooo big that it consumes everyone around you and finally yourself.

And 'Anonymous': Do you have a name? I'd like to address you by one, even if its gonna be only a pen name! :)

And that sort of true love I think, has existed. since I am a singer, I can think of only singers immediately. M S Subbulakshmi amma, D K Pattammal, and a more younger Sudha Raghunathan. I think the men have totally relinquished their superior egos in these cases, IMHO. And to name one more.. not a singer. ... Margaret Thatcher. She remained successfully married, until she lost her husband.

Sibyl said...

Hey there Chinmayi,
Nice blog you've got.

To answer your questions, here's my humble P.O.V:
--> There is such a thing as the "right" person. I married mine, but I knew I could've ended up with far worse. And that it would've been a struggle.
--> The most important thing *is* love. That's when you *know* your partner's happiness and success are your own.
-->The idea of "love" has three components:emotional, intellectual and physical. All three makes for a perfect relationship, but the one you can't live without is the emotional bit.

My formula for a good relationship (and that includes helping each other achieve goals) is simple--don't compromise when it comes to choosing your partner. Look for all the important qualities, be balanced and mature, but most of all, follow your heart.

Sheesh, I never thought I could get so soppy! :)

ROBBIE said...

Chinmayi:
"MARRIAGE HAS BECOME A CONVENIENCE"
OOps, seems like what I told my friends two years back... Love naturally does not exist anywhere but in the mind. It takes a long time to get to know someone but just a moment to love them. You already do have people who love you, (mom, dad. etc., etc.,). Reciprocating their love itself is a full time job for now I guess. Love is not planned it just happens, its happened to a lot of people. It will happen to you when you least expect it.

Arvind said...

Chinmayi,
Yes, mom&love need separate blog - not just blog posts - to discuss.

Well, i would not agree that J factor does not exist in love marriages. It is just a part of human instict. It wont happen, as long as you don't seem the person to whom it is happening, in a competing position.

For e.g. you see an award,promotion,gift for your parents - you'd feel happy. if the same happens to a sibling, at your age, you'd still feel happy for her, but then think about why it did not happen for you. the same thing for a much younger or elder sibling, it won't be any different than you felt for your parents :-)

Regarding, marriages and what makes them work - flexibility and compromises is the name of the game :-)

BTB, are you trying to complete your thesis work via this blog ? do we all get the DR. letter in front our names as well :-D

Chinmayi said...

Sibyl: You are very lucky.. and maybe you always be this happy. Amen and touche! and I dont think that was soppy at all..!
Arvind: well dont think u'll get your doctorate this way!!! I frankly have felt very happy for my cousins, since I have no siblings.. without the J factor.. its also maybe in the way you are brought up.. it has been missing in me.. :) And am I GLAD.. less trouble for my psyche!!

Arvind said...

me neither ;)

aiyy :-) indha madhiri ellam escape aga mudiyadhu...

:-D

Cipher said...

You are right Chin, "there is no such thing as love"

sharana said...

Thnx for commenting on my blog...marriage is like a conundrum or more like unravelling series of events that culminate into unexpected results depending on the person.....do believe that
theres nothing like the wrong man or woman.......if a marriage has to work ....the right elements are needed to blend it in a nice working yet happy existence.

Rajesh said...

Well.. its nice to read all these comments by Dr's and Mphil's in Psychology analysing the Marriage
Phenomenon. Let me get some more insight on the act on marriage,this discussion is inspiring me now.. Thanks for initiating this post ..Chinmayi.

Anonymous said...

hi chinmayi.. i am another anonymous person bcos i dont have a blog yet!

physch seems like a very interesting subject to study... some ppl may think its too heavy tho! but i wld love to study it!

thanks for the insightful read!

have u ever experienced love?... not tht of a mothers tho! bcos u seem to have a lot to say abt it!

i think the reason tht arranged marriages work bcos of the married couples parents and outside pressure... i dunno but they feel that they are not allowed to split up and they feel like it is a life long commitment! not sure... but it seems like some arranged marriages def last longer than love marriages!

interesting topic...

Teshu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Krishna....(Bala) said...

people ask what kind of wife you want in your life? I ask them is there a difference in asking like what kind of car you want to have in your life? because their question is "features and specification" oriented which can be applicable to machines not in the findings of better half. love happens , not created.I feel marriage is the bond between humans not between artificial machines.