Saturday, May 27, 2006

I have been singing for as long as I can remember. But the past two weeks have seen me go through a metamorphosis. I always knew I could never be without music. And active performance.

Some people thought that I sing because mom tells me to and I wouldnt do it otherwise. Becos she always had to remind me to practise. And I did it. And I didnt several times. After a point mom let go. Knowing I would come round eventually.

And now I know what it is all about. Mom has given me a foundation in music few can dream of and has chosen to be the candle for me to be the light. I have met people who have wanted to sing in the middle of the night, in the middle of the road. Just because the ambience was perfect. I almost used to die of embarassment. Now I know how that feels. To want to sing not because you are playing to an audience. But because you really want to. And after a point in time you cant survive if you dont. Its not that I have not wanted to sing in these many years. I thrived in it. But now I feel as if I have shifted to a different level. Where I am longing to seek. To search and to look for God in it. And that after a while I am not the one singing, its HE who makes me. He who makes it all happen. And now I realize that actually being a part of music is very humbling. When you meet different people, hear them sing, perform, talk.... you know where you actually stand. And somewhere the shift to a true sadhaka happens. I have read several times, heard several times, people talking about music being an ocean, and great masters saying that they are not even a drop. Though I understood the grammar then, its taken me this long to understand the essence. Sometimes tears just start flowing when I listen to music. Sometimes when I sing. And usually when I listen to someone else. I cant stop them from happening... its like a dam burst open. And when that happens I feel as if that is when I want to be engulfed in light and become nothing. I feel fluid .. and thereafter you just want to stay... dont wanna eat .. dont wanna drink dont wanna move. Even batting your eyelids is laborious. .... actually I dont know... when people say music is a spiritual experience its bang on. There was a time when I didnt wanna practise. Because then it was a task. And for the past two weeks, I am in a tearing hurry to sing... other times I am singing in my mind. meditating on it. I crave to learn more... to fill this empty vessel. Now seeking out is almost an obsession.'obsession' as such is a scary word to use but for now I cant think of a better expression.

I am like anyone else. Laughing, being crazy, doing the usual stuff. But my insides have shifted. My vision has changed. My outlook to music is different. And now I sing for the sake of singing. I feel as if my journey towards sadhana has started. Its taken this long. I have tried mom's patience. All that. And now, mom sees the change in me. I have been wondering, for ages as to what I am looking for. What is missing. And I realize now that it is this.

I look, I search, I seek, I run after. And God willing, I shall find.

Jab seene mein dard ho aansoon ko roken kaise?
Jab dhuan uthe, aag ko chupaayen kaise?

13 comments:

Karthik Murali said...

The last post was too inspirational and gave me a feeling that
i read one of paulo coelho's books..
i aint sure what made u write that but i can clearly see a major professional star in the offing.
and the language you have adapted is too overwhelming and professionalistic approach is clearly seen..
so it seems u have a second career in hand.. that if a writer..
anyways i wish u all the best for an outstanding future..
bye and take care
Karthik Murali
(u remember me right? i sent u some rahman bgms)

Chinmayi said...

whoah.. drawing a parallel to Paulo Coelho..!! Dude you made my day! and I was in the inspired state when I wrote this one and continue to be :)
have been told that I write well.. :)
lets see but duno whether I can write on demand :)

Shobha said...

While reading this post of yours, i can't tell you how much I relate to it. For the simple reason since I am going through a similar phase right now. I willw rite about it in a different post. However for the past one year I had to brakes to my learning of carnatic music coz of work. I just realise now how much I have missed music...even though I keep singing all the time, I realise how much I have missed the learning, the saadhana, the direction of my guru and this is the first time I am missing it coz there have been times before when I have stopped learning due to various reasons. I just think music has now acquired a different dimension in my life now. Well, i can ramble on but I guess I will write about this....elaborately in my blog. Lovely post...

Murali said...

Is that your couplet ? wow !

Chinmayi said...

Gosh no! I havent become a poet yet.. dont think I can even write two lines that rhyme.. and something as deep as this is a far cry.. :)

Most of the times I cant remember the couplets either.
But this one I did... by some vague chance :)

saraskathiresan said...

hai chinmayi
all the best for ur future. My sincere pryaers for ur success in future

b a l a j i said...

is this post an outcome of your experiences at Airtel super singer contest...

it was awesome to see how much music means to so many

Lazy Blogger said...

This is the best post i have ever read. You have captured the emotions that a true music lover feels. I have been to many katcheris where the music has been so divine, its actually given me the sensation of flying, a form of extreme happiness. Music is divine, and to be able to sing is a supreme blessing. There is a "velai" (time) for everything and you have reached that now. All the very best!

Music Fan said...

hey chinmayi,

I have been following your blog for quite sometime. You write very well. This particular one moved me a lot. If not to the complete extent, I can understand your feelings about music. I am amazed by the fact that you find time to maintain this blog inspite of such a busy schedule. I heard few of your songs (courtesy your audio blog). You have great voice. I am a telugite and I heard your song in Chukkalo chandrudu movie before I knew who you were and loved ur voice. Good luck with your future. I like your passion for music.

Incognito said...

Gal!

That was beautiful.
Sometimes we know we have it. But it takes a long time to realise it and treasure it.

Something like having mom next to you, you know. Everyday she is ther.. right next to us, that sometimes we take for granted. Even my mom put through practice sessions.. it took a long time.. to realise I wanted to sing for the sake of singing.. like breathing for the sake of existing...
I've cried listening to kannathil muthamittal, u know.. at times.. when u just let music take over .. lke u said fluid..
just takes u there.. and u want to stay right there..

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

Hi,

I'll remember this post for a long time, and the essence of it forever, because its straight from the horse's mouth. Thanks.

ramkumar said...

I experienced tears in my eyes when I first heard you sing and I knew instantly that the formless divine has chosen you - to flow through you - as music.

Now "your inside has shifted", and this drop called Chinmayi has already started experiencing the great joy of being THE Ocean.

Such is the irony of creation, that when you have come to a point where all you want is to sing and seek, suddenly all the great heights and depths that you wanted to achieve will be yours now....

vijay said...

Excellent post! It takes music to bring out the philosopher in us..and tears as well..And yeah you do sound a lil like Paulo Coelho:)