Wednesday, November 19, 2008

A Silent Dictation

There are times in life when there is an egging from inside to jump. Jump into nothingness. To feel empty. To be emptied. Of anything that you might be made of. To put your insides out. Hoping, wishing that maybe there might be newness of thought, tranquility of the mind and sanctity of being that can come to pass. How tough it is to take that random leap into nowhere. To start off and not know the destination. To hope and not hope at the same time. How does that sound? Despairing? Hopeless? Mysterious? Or just like random words that are being put together in a sentence that is ended with a full-stop with other punctuations in between?
Somehow something prompts me to post this one, and I am doing this without a preemptive thought, or hitting the backspace unless and until it is for checking the spelling. Fingers move on the keyboard of their own accord with a mind of their own with an unseen director telling them to type some letters that form words, that form sentences and those which make paragraphs.
Here, my fingers pause. Seconds tick by. I am wondering whether this is cathartic. Pause again. I hear the weird buzz of an unknown insect, the airwaves created by the fan whirring on top of my head.
What is it like to be surrounded by clouds? To be enveloped by them? Are you able to figure out what it could feel like? It would be like you are enveloped by nothingness.
Of something that has no form, no shape, is made of seemingly nothing. But still vast areas are covered by these clouds. Vision is blocked. To see through and yet not be able to see through if there are enough. Something that can slip between your fingers and your hands are left moist and cool thereafter. To breathe in the clouds. Entering your system. Does that make your insides foggy? Can clarity and fogginess be present at the same time within the same space? I see a vast area of water. Water that is blue, gray, white and turquoise at different areas. Seemingly still but endless activity within. Colonies of fish and mythical creatures perhaps reside at the depths. So much happens. But on the top there is relative placidity. Is there something to learn there? Is it like no matter what happens within you, you need to have a placid facade? Or is it that you can be whatever you are within, it is how you appear that counts? Or is it that there might far more than what meets the eye? Or does it teach you to pierce through the calmness to discover the depths of whatever you might be made of? Figure yourself out? What are we made of? Where do we come from and where do we go? And have we set out on a journey to figure ourselves out or is this to go through whatever that life might through you but just be like the clouds? To rise up? And be? -Pause- I'm waiting for the next set of words to come through. I don't read what I have written yet. I don't want to. This post shall have no editing. Do we make a decision to remember whence we come from and then the we are made, forget it? Forget a promise? To ourselves?
Right now there is a scene that unfolds in front of my eyes. Fingers stringing pearls. Each the size of a pea. White shiny ones. In shiny string. Sunlight catches the fingers that string and the pearls. It reflects, permeates, is all around. And now I have a string of pearls and sunlight. Do you see the sunlight? Do you feel the hands the fingers that put the pearls together? Or is it just the necklace that you see and the price-tag?
The string of pearls is suspended in thin air against a wall painted the colour of cream. The End.
(As I hit enter and get into typing this passage, I realize that this small box that gives me the space to pen down whatever I want, and sometimes I have realized that this box with the button to Publish or Save, right below, is my necessary tool to write. Nothing but this particular interface can be the trigger. Perhaps, for the first time in my life, I am going to publish this post without a run-through, or an edit. Publish it and see what this is all about. Words were a continuous flow until I typed "The End." It was some sort of a silent dictation that I took down. All I know is that I need to hit that publish button. Right now, this exercise does not make any sense to me, but maybe, someday, sometime, it will)
Take care. Good people.

26 comments:

bash said...

Understood ur feel..eventhough not thro ur eyes or soul....
pray for cool n silent...closing eyes...hpe u feel a pindrop silence inside....

Shabba Khair...

Harish Bharadwaj said...

First...

Shankar said...

Hi Lady
Your are freaking people in the first half of the post...almost sounding like Edgar Allen Poe

Hope you make sense of it ALL

Aakarsh said...

Aah! now thats a post... where the mind is totally stripped of conscioussness.But do you... that which made you write this... that whole experience which you wanted to trap,involuntarily though, in words..is actually beyond words.

your post says so.

observer_me said...

Jim Morrison....the doors....American prayer....listen to that and might be it will be a mirror to your mind when you wrote this.

observer_me said...

Hunting and pecking keys, throwing light on the dark corners of the mind, something making a religion and sometimes losing religion...oh yes...this is what i see...a free mind is yours...but somehow...something is conditioning you...and subconsciously you are trying to break free...you really dont care what I see...necklace or the price tag...you really dont care...and you really dont care what sense I make out of this silent dictation...as it is just what sense it makes to you that matters...I understand

Rajiv said...

Hi

This comment has nothing to do with your post but about Airtel Super Singer 2008.

I felt very let down by your judges (Srinivas in particular). They are becoming very biased towards some contestants. Following the latest round everybody will agree with the choice of elimination (Raginisri and Ranjani).

It's very unfortunate when judges do that.

Shame!

Anonymous said...

like a modern art...with instant thoughts...its very realistic...

i think u've utilised ur blog for the first time for Urself....

Anonymous said...

What this post means to me is that

EITHER

you have more time to think and very few problems to worry so that you are typing these things.

OR ELSE
You really do have some divine philosophy within you that is coming out of U.

பிரியமுடன்... said...

புரிஞ்சுபோச்சு....வயிற்றுக்கும் தொண்டைக்கும் உருவமில்லா உருண்டை இப்பொழுது இடம்மாறி விரல்களில் குடிகொண்டிருக்கிறது என்று நினைக்கிறேன்...Fingers stringing pearls, each the sizing a pea! பரவாயில்லை, உருவமில்லாத உருண்டைக்கு இறுதியில் நல்ல பெயர் கிடைத்திருக்கிறது! முத்தான வார்த்தைகள்! Indeed it has saved us "The End"

Raymond said...

Hi, Chinmayi akka i'm one of your fans in Malaysia and please believe that i'm 15. This is the first time i'm posting a comment please consider to read it.

Your post today totally expressed me all your feelings and the tests in the journey of life.

Life is short, so enjoy it to the max.Try to dump all your sorrows and continue your day as a newly born baby enjoying everything you're in to.

Ananth said...

Hi
I wouldnt want to comment on your thoughts. But tried putting myself into that process and the result is this (How my thought process went while reading the message are in brackets)

" ....to be surrounded by clouds(ohh that bank letter has to be obtained by the close of business today)....i see a vast area of water (ohh God, the contractor payment is outstanding).....colonies of fish and mythical creatures (Have to clear the project documents by today evening)........what are we made of , where do we come from (JV agreement to be finalised for discussion with the investor).....necklace that you see and the price-tag? (Strategy meet next week, and have to approve the proposals).....

Thoughts keep running even as I read your message.

All the best to you for not getting those bracketed thoughts
Regards
Ananth

வால்பையன் said...

இது என்னங்க கவிதையா! கட்டுரையா?
கவிதைன்னா ஒன்றின் கீழ் ஒன்றாக எழுதுங்க, அப்போ தான் ஒரிஜினல் எஃபக்ட் கிடைக்கும்

Chinmayi Sripada said...

anonymous: please reserve you comments about the show to forum alone and not on my blog. Also no one is learning from mom now. Having said that, most of the singers even in the limelight today, at some point in time or the other have learnt from my mom.

Biotech said...

Hi you have said that first time you are publishing without editing this exposes " your real talent " just go ahead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seshdotcom said...

Hi Chinmayi I am a great fan of you..I watch some of the shows you do ..I never knew that you are one among us in the Blogosphere..Anyway the Posts are good..Visit My Weblog when you find time
www.seshdotcom.wordpress.com...
Thanks
Sesha

குப்பன்_யாஹூ said...

Hi Chinmayi

Your dance , srini's dance in Airtel was good. I was little sad about RAHINISRI'S cry. my wife & myself are very great fans of Rahinisri.

she had sung Duraa durrunnu song very well. I dont know why srini & anuradha didn't like that. Unni was grt as always.

It seems love affairs are started in super singer. Its good welcoming trend.

kupan_yahoo

Padmanabhan said...

It made no sense to me. It was tough to even read smoothly. But if this is an attempt to pen down all that random thoughts flowing through the mind, then it isn't that bad. I would guess its a lot more random, a lot more weird and a lot more hazy for lot of people.

Ajay Kumar said...

Hi chinmayi

a nice post which stirs my thoughts... i have in such states of emptiness before and dont tell anybody for the fear of being told tat i am out of senses (mad). but things such as these have made me really think the essentiality of life - a life with boredom and emptiness. dunno y this happens.

but anyways hats off to you for expressing this kind of feeling and i am happy tat i am not alone experiencing this thought...

Krishnan KR said...

Chinmayi, somethings always remain a mystery..no matter how much you exhaust your energy

For example..Can you ever imagine
why this is happening ??


The galaxy ( loner starburst galaxy - NGC 1569 ) is forming stars at a rate more than 100 times higher than in the Milky Way. This high star-formation rate has been almost continuous for the past 100 million years.


I am still trying to know..!!

For more info. on that topic
go to http://www.space.com/scienceastronomy/081120-hubble-starburst-galaxy.html

Cheers
Krishnan

Sw. Raaj Neeravo said...

"Everybody seems to be so clear about everything, except me. I am so confused, I am so muddle-headed, that I don't know what is what. Everybody walks with such certainty, and I hesitate at each step. Everybody goes so straight, without looking sideways. And I walk like a man in winter crossing a cold, icy cold stream."

- Lao Tzu

Anonymous said...

Hai akka,
Eppa.. yenna post!Neenga edit pannamae type panneenga,naan yen eyes blink pannamae fulla padichi mudichaen.Erundhalum neenga dhan ''GREAT''.
eppadi akka ungalaala ippadi yosika mudiyudhu,Hats Off!
A Bonquet of wishes for ur carrier*
Ur fan
Jishu

Maddy said...

The title itself is too good. I wonder, if that was dictated to your mind or heart. Though you have told, you just typed on the keyboard of their own accord with a mind of their own. But I guess it is not just the mind but your heart too. Because I guess, your heart says, be in this state

“What is it like to be surrounded by clouds? To be enveloped by them? Are you able to figure out what it could feel like? It would be like you are enveloped by nothingness.

Our emotions are from our heart and mind only "think" . Let the struggle between your mind and heart continue to write this piece of writing which make our brain cells tickle. As someone said, it is hard to understand the whole writing in one single reading. But more you read, more you understand and more you question yourself. Keep writing

S.Kumar said...

Great Post chinmayi
The thoughts of an erudite thinker!
I really admire your upbringing and the manner in which your mom has brought up such a wonderful human!
I dont know if you believe in Advaitha philosophy, but there is one slokam which was heard by our Great Mahathma in London that goes "Aum poornamidham Poornamadham, Poornath poornamudhachyathe, Poornasya poornamathaya poornameva vashisyathe" - meaning that all of the world is whole and every thing is a whole(100%)... and so on. It is quite difficult to understand this going by scientific principles, but it is true. Your thoughts the flow simply explains this. Kudos to you.
The pearl neclace comparison is so superb - "kalla kanda naayai kaanum", and "kallai mattum kandal kadavul theriyadhtu , kadavul mattum kandal kalladi theriyathu..."
Oh my GOD, what a profound meaning.
sure Chinmayi, you are true to your name. God bless all.

Shravani said...

I miss you miss you da...

Mathavan said...

Most of the sentences written in this post are gems. There were some unanswerable questions for which little (or maybe no) people know/have the answer for.
No one can change fate. When fate bites, it pains hard.

Pearl necklace stuff is something that I would like to throw my views on. A materialistic mind sees the price tag and a non-materialistic mind looks at other aspects. An ordinary person can be neither be deprived out of materialistic thoughts nor be deprived out of non-materialistic thoughts. Also would like to add that when it comes to business, 99.99% it is profit that matters. :(

Please do not get carried away too much. Time will give you answers.

- Mathavan

P.S. I am surprised to see new comparers for Super Singer. Missed your very energetic voice last week. Is this just a stop-gap arrangement? If otherwise, be determined and strong. You have made your mark.