Thursday, January 08, 2009

Of questions and no answers

You know, there are times in your life when you come across events that belie a lot of your beliefs. And also when you start questioning them there are no answers forthcoming. Waters are gray and murky. There is a search for that elusive white conch. The waters that wash up on the banks are frothy, a dirty hue. To want to dip your hand into the murkiness is irksome. But there is not much choice than to do so, the golden sands of time seem to have been roasted to a dark shade of black, the river you know is not really made of clear, gurgling, true water. Yearning to see the pebbles on the beautiful river bed No beautiful flowers that have fallen from branches washed up. Sometimes the sands seem to be a quagmire with the threat of being quick and you wonder what was it that changed something that you believed to be unchangeable. Or was it a mirage all along? Things that are supposed to be a fall back, the knowledge that the sky can still be a clear brilliant blue, the kind I saw on the skies of Orlando. The setting sun splashes pails of color on a concave sky. An errant thought crosses my mind like strands of hair slicing the air across a disturbed visage. Hurting the eye in the process. It is strange is it not, when the vise of despair grips a sore heart with claws that make you bleed. Every small thing that moves around you reflect your inner turmoils. Why, I think, is that the colours happen on the rim of the concave. Why not at the center. Please spare me the sciences and the doctrines. It might be within my comprehension but I choose not to walk that path. I look for an answer or at least a proxy for the answers I seek. A substitute is supposed to be good enough, ain't it?.
Why is it that such divine shades happen at the edge? At the edge of day?
I still dip my hands into the murky gray waters searching for truth. Yes the water is dirty. I convince myself that it is for the good. I am looking for that pure white. Pristine. Smooth. A conch that I can hold to my ear. Something, I can grasp with fingers fast losing their grip. The vise set into motion by hands that once entered the realms of a trusting world has changed shades - Or was it that there I had just trusted a garb that had been thence shed? - the grip tightens. The heart struggles to withstand the ravage.
Waters gets murkier. Vision blurs and becomes cloudy. The clouds that cross are a dark gray too. Salty rain. Somewhere in the distance a lone candle with a wee flame tossed about enters my sky of the gray clouds. It seems like me. I feel like I am the flame. I am scared of unknown devils grabbing my hand in all the murkiness and dragging me down a dark hell. I strive to be the white lotus in a dirty pond.
The search for that pristine pure conch that I can put to my ears continues. That which will not just play me the sounds of the water in the air waves. Waves of sound. That which will but whisper, this too shall pass. Give me answers. Of the times and personas I have failed to comprehend. Its not all that plain and simple, is it? I have been standing in front of a ripple-less curtain of glass put up on a beautiful meadow. Something I thought would always gives a clear vision of the whatever is happening in front of my eyes. Its almost as if it is not there. Like a veil that your vision adjusts to; like lenses that are supposed to aid better vision. But in a strange way, I think it has been some sort of a meek shield. That sheet of glass is now but reduced to shards that slice across fingers that fight reason and try piece it together. Drawing blood. Drawing salt and water. I see the indentation on the soil that has borne the sheet all through this while. A deep scar. Now, its almost as if vision has been awarded to a person who has been blind. You know and do not know what you see. You know colours by name. But how do you identify them? You know the definition of round, square and rectangle by ear. Your ears comprehend shapes and colours. But you do not know if you have identified anything. The brain enters the war of comprehension.
My hands are no longer dipped in the gray waters. The skin on my hands have a sick pallor. My wrists now wear an uneven bracelet of residue that clings to my skin. And they shall remain there. The thing is, only I can see them. You need my vision to see them. I could give my eyes away, but is my vision really mine to give? Or does anyone even want to see things the way I see them?
I still look for the conch. Pristine. White. Pure. The one with the answers. Should I stop looking? I am left with shards of glass at my feet, a scar of a long mile. I am scared to take a step either way. Wishing to be engulfed by the earth then and there.
The mind takes the shape of a baby in the womb. Curled. Awaiting the birth of a new dawn. If there is one..........


Anonymous said...

"this too shall pass"

Viji R

பிரியமுடன்... said...


எதுக்கும் ஒரு
எல்லையோ இன்று


எழுதியது இப்ப
எதுவும் புரியுதா?
எங்களுக்கும் அப்படிதான்
என்றால் நம்புவீர்களா....

Anonymous said...

obviously something very personal that u cant share but u still want to vent about, huh ?
dww... im just as old as u and im going thro struggles too.. i understand at some level and i wanna tell u to just hang in there

Rag_hav. said...

I am not sure if i have read all of your posts, but this one stands apart and shouts aloud for improved perception!

gokul said...

come on da...cheer up.
Pray to God and he will guide you through all troubles.
It might be a passing phase......


Chozha said...

Wednesday evening thaan paarthen. Chinmayi, nalla thaan irundaanga... Paavam ippadi aiyuduchae...May God bless good people.

gils said...

sunday mathiyanam DDla vara other language movie script mathiri iruku..ennavo sollavareengannu purithu aana ennanu thaan purila :D y so sogams of yearla jammnu irunga..brittania adla solra mathiri..nanraaga unbeer..sirapaaga sinthipeer :)) best compere awardlam vangirukeenga polarukay :)) vazhthukal (seeman sir movie pathathukaprum 'ik' podratha vituten :D)

SARAS said...

all great undertakings are achieved through mighty obstacles
ohm peace peace peace

MADHAV said...

Looks like you are going through some personal turmoil. Keep faith in God and things will settle down soon.

When I go though tough times, I read inspiring stories, like this one,


Barame-balaji said...

In simple : Life shines by the word we adopt to situations.

Idhu varthayal valvai velichamakkum kalam...

" Waves are inspiring, becoz each time thy fall, they never fail to rise again"

i always inspire...

Sundari said...

Whatever happens in life is for something "GOOD". May be we are not aware wat good it is at that point of time..Just Keep Moving..Time takes care of everything...

V. said...

Look behind into the days, months and years past where you survived the tides of life - the worst has past. I wish I could get hold of a white pigeon to whisper into its years those four words and send it to you to comfort.

Hang in there.

Maddy said...

This is a beautiful read. I see lot of introspection and a process of “seeking” in your writing. Sometime back someone asked me….

What is 'Forever'?
What lasts forever?

My answer was like this…….

I am flowing like a river
Origin known
and the destination too,
Ever unknown is
What’s in between?

When I am joyful
I am a waterfall
When I am contented
I flow as a stream
Touching those pebbles
as mildly as I can
and playing those notes
the music of love

changing colour
and sometime odour
all because of you!
whatever and whoever
comes in contact
what I become
all depends on you
but I never lose
what I am and what’s mine

I believe
What is forever
and what last forever
nothing but this
that is the

Search for love
Search for giving
Search for touches
Search for bond
Search for soul
Search for refuge

I am in search…
every time I research
all about life
I am in search

I am flowing like a river
Origin known
and the destination too,
Ever unknown is
What’s in between?

I don’t think one get answers for all our questions whenever we want them, but yes we get answers for all your questions for sure during the life process.

I can say only one thing……..Cheer up girl!!

Kumaresan said...

I dont think I completely understood what you are trying to convey..Take a break..Read Bharathiar's works..

EsKay said...

Looks like the intro chapter for a (your!) research thesis - but the words are a bit ornamental :-).

Looks like you poured out your thoughts. Everything in life is cyclic. I guess people tend to drown in such thoughts when their cumulative expectations are not met or when they feel others dont understand them well enough.

Stop self-pitying yourself, It will drown you further.

Sleep well. Tomorrow is another day not an extension of today.

vaazkai vaazvatharkE...

krisvasan said...

Hi Chimayi,
After reading your post it looked as though i had finished watching a english movie which was technically sound and fundamental story was not understandable.Still, i can find a inherent emotion and sadness in your posting.All i can say is that time is the best healer and dont worry about anything because "If you have solution to your problem,then there is no reason to worry and if there is no solution to your problem,worrying does no good.Hence stop worrying"
I believe best and safest place for anyone is the mother's womb.As you have stated your mind has taken a shape of baby in the womb , right now you are in a safest place and everything will be fine .Keep Smiling :-)
GodSpeed -

Lahari said...

Hey Chimayi,

can sense that something is going on ur mind. But this is very well expressed.. Hope things get better..

Saravana said...

You Know, some people say they are seeking, searching ,they want answers,but really ,are they???

How could you ever get in to a room ,past the doors;if u do not have the key for it.

All you are doing now is trying to get past the door,with out the knowledge that ,you need keys to unlock doors.

If u have to understand something you need knowledge,the question now is not if you are looking for it, but looking for the right one........

There is a golden rule in this universe,"you will only understand any knowledge when you are ready for it".I remember a saying that goes like this "the teacher will appear when the student is ready."

Let us start a conversation,i will give you the greatest philosophy(thru my searching) that you will ever find on this planet.

I have no doubt its the best.The question to ask yourself now is Are u ready for it?If u are ready u will understand what i have written here.
Take care

venkatakrishnan said...

Hi Chinmayi,

I must first say that is a wonderful narration.

Especially, the sentences "An errant thought crosses my mind like strands of hair slicing the air across a disturbed visage", "...when the vise of despair grips a sore heart with claws that make you bleed", and "The mind takes the shape of a baby in the womb" are the ones I like most. I could see the depth of imagination on these lines. Moreover, all through, I could read the scattered thoughts - the thoughts that are really thirsty on quest of solutions.
May I call this "a spontaneous overflow" or "a lay of some natural sorrow, lose or pain"?
I would like to recall my favorite lines from
"The Brook" by Alfred,
"I come..., I chatter...,
I bubble..., I babble...,
I slip..., I slide..., I fret...,
I glow..., I glance...,
I linger..., I loiter...,
...I curve and I flow
To join the brimming river,
For men may come and men may go,
But I go on for ever".

You must go on, Chinmayi. Nothing is big when compared to the size of The Universe.

With best wishes,


kumar said...


know exactly where u r comin from

things that will get u out of ur current state no matter how great the trauma/problem are...

clear separation of emotions from the root problem is key

think of what happened, dont let what ur story abt what happened come in the way of u dealing with it practically

think of people in the world who have greater problems and live with a smile...spend a day with them...u will realize how trivial ur problem is

my philosophy ........................states like happiness and sadness are inevitable...u as a person are much more important than the current state u r in

thats abt it

GowriShankar said...

There are two kinds of people...
1. One who learns by experience
2. One who learns from knowledge passed on from other experienced, through proper reasoning

I think you belong to the first kind.
Today's generation has definitely learnt only from the knowledge passed on by our heritage which is uninterpreted by most and has not been interrogated against due to their lackadaisical reasoning. Very few interrogated and spent their life analysing the same but not passed on their knowledge enough to the next in their heritage. Earlier, people who have spent their life in finding answers for their questions regarding the forms of life, had questions in two different areas which I know of. They are: 1. Questioning the relationship between self and the matter (the nature) 2. Questioning the relationship between the phenomena within the matter (the nature). Obviously, everybody had their own ideas and there is nobody to verify their thoughts. The nature forces us to learn only by experience finally.

You were talking about pristine pure conch putting to your ear producing sound (the sounds of water in the air waves....Waves of Sound). I'll tell you, the sound that it produces, does n't come from the water or air or any other matter outside, it is reflected right from your body. You know what, you are hearing the sound of the blood gushing through your ear veins and its just a reflection of whats going on within yourself. So, you are just experiencing whats going on with your material body. Its all about how you think or perceive things.

You were asking how do you identify the colors by name if we hear the color names through ear. You should be knowing how a child learns by itself through experience. Its all just basic pattern matching and training the neurons in our brain with experience. They are all about creating perceptions to the brain. Once the brain perceives things as they are, they will tend to perceive in the same way again when the same pattern occurs. The child knows several patterns..for eg., they cry, they get food.... they cry again, they get food... this pattern gives a perception to the child that whenever they cry, they get food.. This is how everybody is brought up.. Again, nature forces us to learn only by experience.. It is impossible that the same pattern continue to occur for a long period because the nature is not designed that way. There will always be a transition stage, which is often unacceptable and unpleasant for the human who have pre-percieved something. But the change has to be accepted as they are. change is only thing which never changes. All the shapes and colors that we have come across so far, are just yet another pattern and the definitions we give are just human perceptions which can be different from one people to another. Its all attained only by learning through self-experience and not by incomplete reasoning.

Chinmayi...I like your poetic style of explaining your perceptions.. All the chaos that you have (which I too have) can only be answered by experience by self...Again, these are all my perception which might just aid you to fuel your thoughts...

Anonymous said...

I was able to understand something even when Kamal Haasan (Kamal Sir, for you) spoke.

But, not this one.

Sariyana Chinmayee Ragasiyama irukku.

Ajay Kumar said...


i have been reading ur blogs every day or the other. this particular blog reflects my current thought and the comments were as if it was a reflection for me...

i too tried to vent out my frustation in my blog and managed it a bit.. say 5%.. here it goes

i like to say thanks to you but dunno y.. :)

uma said...

is it the 'end' of supersinger show
for u that prompted this response?
cos u had expressed earlier your
'attachment' to the show...

know that things happen because they are trying to make us learn
somthing from them...if one can keep the emotions aside for a while and look at life objectively, atleast whenever
unpleasant/disturbing things happen, then the pupose of that event happening to us is served.
or else one will find oneself in similar situation again n again until one learns what is destined to be learnt..