Saturday, August 14, 2010

Life can be pretty strange at times. To an extent when you do not know whether you are supposed to be happy or sad or maybe, both at the same time. Wondering which responsibility comes first, that of a family member or that of a professional. 
Sangeetha Maha Yuddham, Day 1 of the shoot my mother fell through a gap in the set, an area which should have been marked for safety (However expecting all that in India is futile) and had a compound fracture in her foot. For the next week until the mad schedule of 3 episodes a day was over, she kept telling me it was only a sprain and that there is nothing wrong. She came in a miniature plaster and said that is just to keep the foot stable. She did such a good job of convincing me that I did get convinced. And during the time that she was in hospital and getting all this done was when a couple of wardrobe malfunctions had happened. A lot of times, we are hurried to say, the "floor is ready" and rushed and rushed and then we hardly have the time to notice the flaws in the appearance. Any more time spent  in it and I start worrying if I become the reason for any delay. Some sort of a skewed sense of responsibility I guess. Thereafter a lot of people advised me that the anchor is the face of a show and there is a lot more responsibility in presenting myself well than  being there on the sets before everyone else. Things I still learn. Anyway it was only at the end of that schedule that I knew that mom had had that fracture and it took her two months to heal. 
Second schedule of SMY, I land here after the shoot in Mumbai, to know that my grandmother, the lady in whose care I was through my childhood, had passed away. And for all the inner battle I went through, I had to stay and shoot and look happy/energetic/laugh/dress up in makeup and jewelery and make it all look genuine Who cares, anyway, if I was sick, or my grandmother had died, or something else had happened. The dates of everyone else, the floor, the unit, the set and so much money was at stake. It was worse for my mom. And I had to be and finish the shoot and continue shooting for the next 3 days at the same maniacal pace. I could not see the face of one of the most important women in my life for the last time. But then, I guess a situation like this may not be new, even to you, the reader. If someone is representing your organization and something like this happens, I have heard of people go ahead and do the needful in the professional front and then be back. 
Now there is a strange sense of placidity within. I am, however, not questioning the meaning of it all, or what truly matters at the end of the day. All I could do was send a prayer out to my grandmom. And hope she will forgive me. 3rd day from her passing, I picked up the Filmfare. And the photographer who took my picture with the award said, "Could you please look happier? Smile more? Energy!!!!" I guess through all that some melancholy had filtered through. And no one has time or energy for your melancholy. Your battles, your issues are your own. And we have got to deal with it and walk the walk and talk the talk.

34 comments:

Matangi Mawley said...

As they say- "The show must go on"! I have faced a similar kind of a situation before.. It is difficult. Life is all about choices. It's ultimately the path you choose- that leads you to the destination that's in store for you. Looking back- we'd know the reasons. Until then- we take it as it comes. Not questioning. Moving on- towards our answers!

I'm sorry about your paatti!

BriceColdPlayOnwards said...

I'm very sorry for your loss, Chinmayi. A couple of months ago, I lost the last of my four grandparents and couldn't help but feel ineffably bereft for a couple of weeks thereafter. I'm sure it's very difficult with the added constant public scrutiny under which you live, but you know as well as I that there is God in all the works that we do and I can't imagine many people have made their family as proud as you have, so there is much solace to be taken from the joy you bring to others' hearts.

On a side note, I hope that you are not overexerting yourself. Being around long enough the point that you don't have to wear makeup to look older would be preferable! God bless.

seenu said...

Chinmayi,

In my opinion you should have attended the funeral function of your grand mother/ atleast should have seen her face. Your commitment to work is great provided that the producer will lose some money. But you should have spoken to them. They would have made some alternate arrangement.

Vasant said...

My deepest condolences. Here is something I read many years ago -

Life is like a river
Its origin unknown
Its destination unknown
Between the two, is the story of life.

Seasons change, the river changes its course
Some sail smooth, some do sink
Caught in its stride
Can we pause and think?

Life, like the river, is a creation, God's own
Its pleasures and difficulties unknown
Caught in its journey at eternity
We all but vanish into infinity.

tusilya said...

My condolences to you and your family. But i sure think you should have at least taken some time off and pay her your last visit. Im sure the production ppl would understand. Probably just need to work extra hours for everyone the next day. ANyway you were very strong, stay the same. :)

Anitha D said...

Aw Chinmayee! My condelences to
you & your mom at this time...
Best wishes,
Your fan,
~Anitha

Koushik said...

Very true.
This too will pass. I too happened to realize this recently.

Meanwhile a piece of suggestion for you; You seem to be working way too much. No offense intended! But as I know, you work for 2 shows and sing for movies. From this I would assume you like to multitask. But personal life is just as important. You seem to be a nice person; please set your priorities right so that you don't get a chance to feel bad about anything at all.

Sincerely,
Koushik

Sendhilkumar AV said...

Regrets for your situation.
Individual independency is basic criteria for CMMi level 1 / ISO 2001 standards
The organizers can/should be able to manage during this type of situation.

Once my school friend told me this story which looked like a comedy one but very true.

Aeroplane told rocket that when everytime I fly I can't go up beyond an height, but you are great and luck enough to fly high and high.

The rocket answered: Unakku pinnalae neruppu vatchangana appa theriyum naan padara kashtam.

Madhu said...

You have touched on a point that almost everyone of us face at a point in life. And most often, we go by what is feasible practically and its often the professional life that takes over. Sometimes we just wish we break out of all that that is of us, just be with our loved ones, but the comfort itself springs from the fact that we know we wouldn't dare make such a decision.

Lets just hope such dilemmas occur less frequently. God Bless.

VITHUR said...

God Be with you in whatever you do. But God has His plans. All your battles would give you more of mental strength and you would come out very successful.

God's Delays are never God's Denials.

Sincere Prayers and Best wishes.

Vithur

VITHUR said...

A life of a Celebrity is not at all easy. The issues, the problems they undergo is much much more. This is very very evident from this post of yours.

I am sure, your grandmother would bless you abundantly from Heaven.

You picking up your First Filmfare Award itself is a testimony that your grandmother has accepted you and Blessed you from Heaven. May her soul Rest in Peace.

neel said...

Very touching. U r required to smile for the camera, while ur heart is crying out, thinking of ur Grandma. My sympathies.

Regarding SMY on Sun TV, it is turning out to be a night club kind of scene. Y do Mathangi and others have to dance so much when they r being judged essentially for their singing skills? Or, hv I misunderstood the format of the show?

Sathiya said...

Am really sorry about your loss chinmayee. It makes me sad to think you had to go through all this and put up a brave face for the sake of others. I started blogging today actually, to face similar demons in my life.

Makes me wonder how much more life wants us to rise above our normal self.

May your grandma rest in peace, am sure she will bless and hold your hands in all your battles.

Sometimes you just have to stop, take a deep breath, say enough is enough and call your best friend for a good chat let your mind heal..

Rama I. said...

As I was watching SMY tonight, I noticed that you didn't look like yourself - it was almost like your mind was elsewhere. So when in doubt, google has all the answers! I clicked on Wikipedia - which brought me to your website which then led me to your blog. I'm sorry to hear about your Mom's accident as well as your family's loss. Life certainly can be strange at times. My Amma always told me that when life hands you lemons, the best thing to do is make some lemonade! You do your best, and thankfully God will do the rest! It was very courageous of you to complete your job requirements regardless of what you were feeling - you did a great job making lemonade!I'm positive that your family is very proud of you.

PPD said...

Dont worry chinnu.. even this day will pass by. You will see more happier moments to cherish. Even I have gone through the same many times. Life is full of surprises always!
I have become your fan recently (though heard your songs earlier too) and did not know you were so young. I loved your multiple song renditions in Manodhodu Mano.
Congratulations on your recent Filmfare Award.
Vazhga Valamudan Endrum. Happy Independence day!
cheers
Priya

சுரேஷ் ஜீவானந்தம் | Suresh Jeevanandam said...

My condolences. I watched SMY and felt like googling your name and read this.

Anonymous said...

Chinmayi,

Am sorry about your tremendous loss..Its awful to lose the most loved person / someone who's been with you throughout your formative years..May God shower all the strength you'll need to carry on.

regards,
Mathangi

Prejosh/preethijoshika said...

Pls. Take Care.

venkat said...

Hi Chinmayi.. You have a strong heart.. Keep going.. But choose your assignments carefully.. In my opinion SMY is not a good show for you to be an host.

Pandit R. DAKSHINA MOORTHI said...

May the soul of your grandmother rest in peace.

If possible try to recite chapters pertaining to Ganga Avatarana (Genesis of Ganga and Bhagiratha's penance to bring it to earth for the peace of his ancestors), in honour of your deceased grandmother.

Our prayers and remembrances do connect to the departed soul.

Blessed be.
Pandit R. DAKSHINAMOORTHI.

karthick said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

M GANESAN said...

VERY SAD TO HEAR ABOUT THE SAD NEWS.

My deepest condolences to you & your family for the loss of your beloved Grand mother.

Also we pray for your mother"s health to get well soon.

Mohan said...

I am so sorry to learn of this, and can only send prayers for strength so that you can endure this difficult time.

As members of your TV audience in the USA, all we know about all the members of SMY is that you are good-looking and talented singers. We expect so much of you, that at times we forget that you, like us, are human beings, with joys, sorrows, needs and wants.

As I watch you on the latest SMY that I recorded over the weekend, I feel a little closer to you as a human being.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Mohan

Madhav said...

Chinmayi

Sad to know of the demise of your grandma. May Lord Almighty give you and your mom the courage to withstand the loss. I really wish you had made it to see her one last time. Sometimes life is like that, aint it?

Regards
Madhav

Maheswari said...

Hello Chinmayi,
My condolences.
Your grandmother was not in Chennaiya that you could not go to see her one last time?
Don't worry and take Care
Godspeed good people.
Maheswari

Sudharsan Prabu M said...

//Your battles, your issues are your own//
Excellent post...!
Philosophical...,Yet true...!

Anonymous said...

I had watched an interview of a singer when she tearfully mentioned that she found out her father passed away when she was stuck at a stage show and his funeral was done by the time she got back. Had wondered if she deserved sympathy at that time as I couldn't see anything more important to be at. Ones parents go through many ordeals to give their children a bright future(generally speaking). I didn't realize the financial aspect(at least, the chain-effect) about taking such decisions until I read this post.

Truly sorry and hope that the future doesn't bring so much emotional heaviness all at once. I would say none at all, but reality is a different story:-)

Take care & Best wishes,
Kajan

avinash said...

Hi

My condolences.. u might have lost one soul who loved you, but i feel the filmfare award is an indication that ther r lots of ppl around who love chinmayi's voice.. i hope whatever has happened in ur life,God has done it for ur good..hope this helps. take care..

Kalyan said...

Chinmayai - My Condolences....BTW, Sangeetham & Yudham - isn't this a paradox? Music denotes peace and not war...I wonder how they come up with such a coinage. I am sorry to say the program and it's judges are pathetic and you being a part of it is quite unfortunate. Just my opinion.

God bless.

Kalyan

Rajesh said...

Chinmayai di- My Condolence..

But r brave and made your shows rather than ur grandmom's rituals says what fight u had to go through within yourself...

Maybe that was what your grandma wanted to make you a better and stronger person and handle intense situations in life...

And with such financial stakes, nowadays i do feel, family and values are taking bit backing,hope this changes at somepoint..

Regards,
Rajesh

இ.சி.ஆர் said...

Hi,

My deepest condolences to you and your mother. May God give you the strength to carry on.

Loss of a loved one is so personal and I feel that a third person does not have any right to pass comments. Please forgive those who did so, they just took liberties with you.

Heartfelt condolences to you once again!

Anonymous said...

you are a brave person. ......please pray foryour grand mom......


deemahi

Anonymous said...

Hi Chinmayi,

My condolence to you and your family.

Here is something for you..maybe you have read this somewhere and if you did then just recall it..

Life is Best for those who want to Live it,
Life is Difficult for those who want to Analyze it,
Life is worst for those who want to Criticize it,
Our Attitude Defines Life …

Enjoy Your Life,
Laugh so Hard That even Sorrow Smiles at You,
Live Life so Well That even Death Loves to see you Alive,
Fight so Hard That even Fate accepts its Defeat …

Our Attitude Defines Life

Rajeswari, Malaysia

Raj said...

Touching….This really brings out the adversity faced by you. These kinds of situations really put a person down in the dump. I can definitely understand the pain that you have undergone. The final lines are really amazing. You are so matured and have clear thoughts in taking things as it comes. Great sense of acceptance.

Priorities in life changes as we grow and also it also depends on what situation/ moment we are in. Every individual is an individual called as “self”. So the individual always thinks the best to happen for him or her abandoning the difficulties of others. Sometimes that will be the so called “professionalism”. We need to live with it.

A new employee is welcomed to an organization and he is treated like a family member. But when the company is not doing well, they let people go and the matter of fact is that “ the organization never treats any employee as a family member”. This may be irrelevant to your blog. But what I mean here is that, organization as an individual is also selfish.

Each thing we do on this earth is an AGREEMENT in some form or other. Reality is inevitable.