Thursday, September 13, 2012

Virtual proposals and other real stories

I have been meaning to blog about this for a while, since I am asked on a daily basis or congratulated about an impending marriage. Well thank you. But honestly I have no idea about the why-s and how-s of this news story surfacing now, all of a sudden. Yes every mother wants her daughter married and my mom is no different. She polambifies when she gets a chance. Perhaps someone thought it worthy of making it a story and also added we do maangalya pooja whenever we get the time. I'm now curious about the maangalya pooja, in all seriousness.(I also joked that they were kind to write I was going to be married and not planning on secretly eloping)

In all these years I have gotten advice on being extremely careful on finding the right person and be wary of traps. Non-famous girls get blackmailed, you better be cautious, I'd be told. And sooner or later one just had to read news stories to understand there are so many things going wrong and the number of perverts on the loose ... I despair for the girls whose back God didn't watch. (For the men who probably got wrong partners in women, my sympathies with you too)

There is a reason I am writing this post. To tell you about a couple of people I came across in the virtual world and whose mails would land on my inbox, all mostly uni-directional communication. There were times I would try and reason out and then figured it was useless and of course mom would be informed of all these mails. Interestingly these men would CC to mom as well, so it kinda cut some work for me. I shall be polite enough to not disclose identities, but this is an FYI to everyone who is finding a groom (I can only talk of personal experience)  for their daughters. 

So I am regular on Twitter. You, reading this post would know that, I presume. I tweet randomly about something under the sun, or RT something, Mr X1 assumes it is all for him. And sends me a mail, asking why I am indirectly tweeting to him. Initially I responded, since I usually respond to most mails, when I have the time, asking what this was in reference to. He says I know you love me and that's why you tweet all those things. And this was the beginning. It went upto "ASK AUNTY TO TALK because I am looking at what is best for OUR future". He also claimed his family knew about it. Now I don't understand how his entire family would go with "all her tweets are indirectly for me and she loves me". Some mails would be downright vulgar. Some abusive. Then he says "Your time is UP! I am going ahead with my life now since you failed to respond!!". Then he would blame me for the excessive depression for 2 years he went through because of me. Last heard a mail claiming to be from his mother lands up. I seriously doubt if it was from her, or if he mailed that himself too. Nonetheless that's that.

Guy X2 calls my mother Athamma, has told his family he is 'fixed on marrying me'. And asks me "Why do you want to be a heroine? If you want to be actress you'll have to forget me and our love". Oh, he also believes all my tweets are indirectly for him. Now God only knows when I said I want to be a heroine. Don't even ask about the "our love" part. Then he graciously compromises and says "Chinnu you can be serial heroine. I ll be OK with that" or something to that effect. Then one day I just RT an image of a wedding ring which leaves the impression 'MARRIED" on your skin if you have worn it a while and have removed it. And X2 says "Our wedding ring super ra.." For a second I was taken aback. What wedding ring?, I shouted in my head. And then I put 2 and 2 together. I made 4. He made 7 1/2. I think its all because of some 7 1/2 that I am going through all this. X2's mails are particularly hilarious and worrying at the same time. I get a dozen mails a day from him.  Today's mail read, waiting eagerly for marriage with chinnu. Sigh.

I am not writing about this for entertainment value. But because, today as an adult, I shudder to think, that these 2 guys, (there have been a few others who were on this delusional trip including a man in his mid 40-s, but I shall stop here) who are educated, one of them studies abroad in a reputed university (!), seem to come from sound backgrounds and look absolutely fine, go on such trips and these are the kinda guys will marry some unassuming girl somewhere.

I even tell people, that being who I am, its extreemely easy to find out about me. For the said 'background checks' you know? I m in the public domain. Easier to find out about me. But I on the other hand, will never know about a guy or a family posing to be normal like X1 I mentioned above, I would never know if he was stalking someone, has some obsessive pattern of behaviour, what the actual intentions are... well I can go on and on.

To you reading this post, if you are single/unattached/about to be hitched, whatever. I ll tell you this, from all the advice I have got. I am not so sure about the better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I have seen people I know go through hell, when they lost. Some still do. Its perhaps easier to follow the heart and enjoy the butterflies. But please do follow your head. Think it through solidly. Speak to adults if you are young or even if you think you are old enough. There are not too many things in life that experience and sound advice can replace. Its great if that can come for you from within the family. I have mom first. We have made quite a formidable team as I see from general public perception, now that I am considered to be in 'the marriage market' (bleargh for that term).  And it is also funny to see how many people are insecure because of the kind of a bond mom and I share. Pah. Too many people cannot understand the Guru and the mother concept. We also have a few close people who are my mom's well-wishers and friends. A circle who has seen us through all these years. Non-judgmental and razor-blade honest. 

Follow your gut instinct and always, always listen to the inner voice. Don't ever ignore it. And be careful. Very careful. Please don't marry because your great-grandparents want to see great-great grandchildren. Or because of social pressure. Things were simpler until our parents' time I think. It is not so now as I am told and as I myself see. 

We marry not the individual but the families too. If you think you cannot like the family, then the marriage is going to be difficult, and if you plan on having children, know that you cannot tell your children later to stay away from their own family. This was another advice given to me and I have also learned from observation, looking at some unhappy people and children and decided that is not what I want.  A week back when I was in Hyderabad on work, a man married for 8 years said, you could know someone for years before you re married. But after you are married, you discover a whole new person. 

As for looking through matrimonial sites and getting to know total strangers and marrying them, I personally shudder at the thought. But I know there are people who are very happily married this way too. Perhaps its all destiny. And fairy dust. And all that. I do believe its better to be single than be in an unhappy marriage. 

I wrote about X1 and X2 because there are times when you may meet a seemingly normal person. But there are things one might never know. And during those times, they say some alarm bells ring, something doesn't feel right. Don't ignore that. Follow your gut instinct. And there are times when the background checks will never find out if someone had some behavioural anomalies like those I mentioned above. And finally to you reading this blog, if you intend to marry, may God give you a nice person and a beautiful family to marry into. If you don't intend to, which is an idea I court (mom is gonna kill me!:p) well may you be happy even then. Tathaastu!

38 comments:

Sam Festus said...

I'm Sorry, I missed ..I Wish u Belated Birthday Chinnu ♥ ♥ ♥

Follow your heart ... Follow the voice...that's calling you,Follow your dreams - but always Keep faith in God ♥ ♥ ♥

Rajesh alias Balasubramanian said...


"We marry not the individual but the families too. " - Perfect. Nice observation. :-)

"I somehow believe its better to be single than be in an unhappy marriage. "
- I have seen couple or more spinsters in my life. But specifically my school teacher, a spinster, was courting what in being unmarried. However as years passed on, now she is in early 40's. She feels bit alone and her life looks a virtual question mark after her parents(Even though sisters family, relatives visit her) On day to day basis she needs a person to care. And another person was my office librarian .. who is leading a happy unmarried life .. one reason was she is in a joint family kind of environment. Hence things were relatively smooth. But even then people (esp brother's wife) take her for granted saying that "avalukku enna irukku - oru vidhamaana elakaaram" And as we all know there are unhappy married life, divorce etc in this society.

In my opinion unmarried life is bliss only for a few people who are mostly blessed with good people around them.

I am nearing my 30's and I would marry someone (or preferabbly ...) for sure. Yet my aunt normally persuades me for marriage in every call. Her concern is you need a better half (best before you complete 28).

Unmarried or married a person may be, may god bless everyone a happy life.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't stop laughing while reading this blog, though you were not writing this for an entertainment value.You mentioned here, X1 and X2 believe that your tweets are indirectly for them. As a follower(twitter), I havn't seen any particular tweet(s) on Ur timeline for this kinda people. Dn't know whether you do tweet to them secretly:P.And you said, 'please do follow your head' I loved that words.Everyone just feel,not think properly. Hereafter everyone would start to ask 'Dn't you intend to marry?' :p Anyway, please dn't reply to these type of mails which you r getting. There is always a point of getting tired. Follow your head, that never be wrong. Prayers!!

raga said...

I was wondering about this topic once in a while, as it has happened to my friends. Even if one gets friendly to the opposite sex, the other person thinks he/she loves her/him. And when the latter proposes to the former and the former rejects it and still tries to be a friend, the latter thinks that he/she used him/her and was feigning love. Maybe movies are a reason, since not many a times movies showcase the reality. Also comes friends and surroundings. Unfortunately world nowadays isn't as simple and sweet as it was used to be. And I don't think you'll be freed of this trouble in the coming days. It is always nice to see you tweet casually, and though sometimes I don't get reply, I don't mind. I am happy that a person I admire replies once in a while. But some take it the wrong way, saying you have an attitude problem. Finally, I wish you success in life. :-)

Nazreen Jahan said...

Omg!! X1 & X2 are nuts!!! :O

Thou I don't agree 100%, splendid thoughts that u have shared.... :-)

Jayashree karthik said...

We marry not the individual but the families too- very true. Something that I failed to realise b4 marriage. Life will be very difficult if you are not able to understand and accept what you get. As you rightly said we need to think a lot and get our priorities right before wedding itself.

Dinesh Kumar P said...

Being single..!! I like that..!!

Flaming_Spaz said...

This is the 1st time i'm reading your blog.I have to tell u i really liked it.These kind of guys are nothing but shame to all manhood.I would say u should treat these guys legally.I don't think they would back off unless u do so.Because u already warned them through twitter and clearly said that u r not into their fantasy world.But that didn't stop them right? I'm sure u mom would understand..:) U r a wonderful person as i know of and a very talented artist.U r the only authority to take a decision on your marriage. Because its you life..hell with these mentally retarded people..:P

Antro said...

sis..first of all i.m sorry...i too have tweeted u one time as "i want to see ar rahman ,please say me a way" like that...and disturbed you...hope you ll forgive me..and a small advice..rather tan creating awareness just complaint abt this two stupids who i think are not valvuable to live in this world..disturbin others...i too have seen my friends get abused..hope god ll teach them a lesson..be happy sis..

Anonymous said...

"Marriage market" lol...well written mam. Wish all of them could think lik u do.ofcourse obviously older generation !! your thoughts have been penned down perfectly !!

Rajesh alias Balasubramanian said...

பல விடுகளில் தூண்ணிற்கும் துனை வேண்டும்
சில விடுகளில் தூண் வேடிக்கை பொருளாய் ஆவதுண்டு
அரிதாய் அதற்கு கிடைக்க வேண்டிய இடம் கிடைக்கட்டும்
அப்படி ஒரு இடம் அல்லது நீங்கள் நல்கும் நாளில் நற்துனை தங்களுக்கு கிடைக்கட்டும்

Anonymous said...

but marriages happen-if they have to. destiny- you cannot escape what's written.

Somu @ Woodooz said...

Visibility on the virtual domain for a celebrity sure can be a nuisance. THe best way to handle such crazy mails is to , if possible, ignore. Any response, good, bad or otherwise, is only going to encourage more e-mails from the sender.

May you be blessed with lot of good luck in handling such mails (which am sure there would be manu) in the future.

Cheers,
Somu.

GANESAN said...

I liked the lines "For the men who probably got wrong partners in women, my sympathies with you too" bcoz am hurt by my partner.....

But whatever said &done it's your destiny decided by the allmighty...

Praying God That U Will have Good understanding Partner and enjoy u r life better than the present one till such time being Single is The Best...

vidhya said...

Accessed a cached copy of the site :(

My two cents :)

These x1 and x2 are seriously crazy. I can only say that you have immense patience!

Yes, when you marry, you marry the person and also the family. While when you meet the person it may seem that he is the right person, once you start living with that person, even the way he brushes can make you cringe..and there it will start... and before you realise all hell will break loose! While we hindus/may be indians in general, talk about marriages, we do everything else around the couple, but no one talks about what is important for them (guess christians have a course that they complete before marriage and I think it prepares them a little)..

Whatever it is, if everything works out and you get married, my philosophy is in a successful marriage the couple COMMUNICATE. Men are from mars.. and all such books/articles, are not just jokes. There really is difference between the male and female thinking and it always help to clarify instead of assume. And ofcourse the thing of deal with issues in YOUR way, never bring a third person in the loop unless there are other issues like abuse.

Older generation - mostly, IMO it worked because their directions were simple - live with it.. whatever it is..So mindset WAS to accept it without questions. Our generation, we can make a learned choice (good or bad is a different thing altogether)and decisions are solely ours.

And ofcourse, stick to what your mind/heart says and dont succumb to anykind of pressure.

shylaja said...

reading ur blog after a long gap. remember reading it when u started blogging. glad you have your spirits intact. keep it up and explore life as it unfolds. hugs girl.

rsrirams said...

I wish you also put the same effort on how women/men go about their life without getting married. You will have more surprises. Promise. Especially those who are above 40-50.

Mathu said...

Those x1 and x2 are really nuts :O
Bledy attention seekers :/
btw.. I agree some of the points which you've shared.
makes me think its better to stay single :O

My share of life said...

Hi Chinmayi, I am glad you wrote on this topic. I have smiliar thoughts on marriage as yours. There is no one solution that would work for all. As you mentioned, its best to follow all very own instinct since there is a lot that goes into that union of two individuals.

Anonymous said...

Given your anthropological interests these days, the evolution and current divergence of preference for married vs single gets another perspective in Dr Shalini's serial of articles in Ananda Vikatan in 2010-2011, I think it was titled Uyirmozhi.

Anonymous said...

hahahahahaha lol.seriously desperate guys.hapi belated birthday to u.

Sansdom said...

:) Quite timely. Danke.

Preethi said...

Woah...Perfectly put!!! Nicely puts into perspective the use of one's own common sense which happens to be so uncommon these days...;)

Manikandan said...

In the past, I dint have the opportunity to explore this blog. Since I fall to be a Masters student at present, I enjoy my break hours reading your articles here. Your words & thoughts stand high!!! Appreciate the clarity and vision !!!

Wishing you all the very best!


Sasha said...

Love your post chinmayi.... You rightly pointed out to listen to your instinct... Its better to get up in the morning just being you than to
sigh at your compromised miserable life..:-)

ANAND ARAVAMUDHAN said...

Wish my parents read this and understands the "so called arrange marriage" concept. The cliche of aaayiram bharathiyar to aayiram chinmayi can b now used when i argue with my parents.

ANAND ARAVAMUDHAN said...

Wish my parents read this and understands the so called concept of " Arrange Marriage" (Breeding 2 strangers)
Inspite of my appa working in media for the past 30 years; i failed in persuading in certain topics.
The cliche of so called "aayiram bharathiyar to aayiram chinmayi" can b now used to argue with my parents.
Kudos!! and keep up ur good work and spirit.

Kothai said...

Belated bday wishes ma :-)

The post may be on X1 and X2 but i laughed loads by thinking how ur reaction cld hv been on that compromising part to allow u as small screen heroine ;-) All moms r same they nvr accept us to think of life wthout marriage ;-)

One thought on ur first question that y all of a sudden all these marriage news n advice.. Its juz coz u r moving ahead in ur career (may be wth all d award showers for Saara kaathu) and its disturbing to some stupid ppl.. Only those wil start dis buzz n this tym only all relations wil sprout suddenly wth so called akkarai..

There is a saying dat whn ppl spk abt u behind ur back it shows dat u are ahead of them.. So enjoy dis stride of life also with aunty's support and ur usual smile :-)

Sathiya said...

X1 and X2 - I remember seeing such phsyco characters in some movies:) Being single will definitely sound good but not for too long. Getting married, having children, facing problems will make you more strong and matured person. I truly believe there is no such happiness in this world than seeing your own child sleep in your arms and your child says, "I love you daddy/Mum".

Swathi Ravichandran said...

Being single is being oneself. Nothing to fake about, no one to please, follow one's heart and stay happier.

And if there is someone who can put up with all that we are, and we able to accept the person too, consider lucky and marry.

Anonymous said...

I just added this feed to my bookmarks. I have to say, I very much enjoy reading your blogs. Thanks!

Rajesh K said...

I am planning to be single. No one, NO ONE can influence me OTHERWISE. Ha ha :)

Anonymous said...

Indeed, you lead an interesting life ! Am sure your autobiography would be a best seller ( Your blog following already forecasts it)..By the way, I've heard so many stories from my grandmas' lives and the characters in their families that it could help make a wonderful mega serial ! Why don't you start a cartoon series, like the Dilbert kinds, since you see so many specimens? When my grandma narrates some episode from her trials, she sums it up saying "Siricha dhaan aarum, azhudaa aarave aaraadhu" - words which still echo in my mind..I hope and pray almighty that you be able to shrung it off ! So much for a life of a celebrity from a traditional family.

-Raghav

Anonymous said...

Hi Chinmayi,

Read your blog on and off, but now tempted to leave a comment. I have been through the rigmarole of "match-fixing" ;-) myself. Personally it was not an enjoyable experience. The longer we are in the game, the more painful it gets. There were some that wanted to "get to know you" for a few months, some whose parents came visited you (and you were expected to be a show piece, look pretty, sing etc), some who'd downright ask atrocious questions. That having said, the exercise does bring us to closer to a couple of very essential things we look for a in a husband. The peripheral , second level requirements dissolve away as time passes. I met my husband at a point of time when I was quite vexed with this whole process and had zilch expectations from a boy.

I also believe one can never get "the perfect match". Although it might seem perfect to others eyes, there are some compromises that we will have to do. This should come from both sides. Life is all about adjustment and perspective.

Wish you good luck in all your endeavors and may you find someone that appreciates you for what you are and is willing to support you every step of your life.

Cheers,
Maduri

Sashwath said...

Hi Chinmayi,

Good to see you writing had been Off you blog for sometime but your facebook msg about the prof and hate msg pulled be back .

Ya as much as being single is difficult getting married is also equally difficult these day . The very process of arranged marriage is so complicated . Love marriage don't even ask .

One thing with my marriage and you is my mom keeps saying will get you married to someone like Chinmayi, I just smile . Now i feel like saying thank god mom din't say get married Chinmayi then i would have been the MR.I :) . Get married when you want to get married . Keep blogging Keep singing and keep translating . :)

Jayamurugan said...

Though I havent read the full post, its hard to be a popular personality. It has its own advantages and disadvantages. But yes it depends on how we manage the same. I am sure that you are more matured enough to handle all this.

God Bless

Suthanthira Kannan R said...

Thought provoking comments, chinmayee.

Whatever said, as some one said there can never be a perfect match, and if unlucky most people end up with having wrong matches. However I strongly feel, that lonely life is definitely boring than a life with mismatched life (as long as life goes on without much troubles!)

Anonymous said...

Just read in the news that you have taken some guys to court for vulgar tweets . I take my hat off to you , since these jerks generally think they can ghet away with anything . Celebs are easy prey , because many of their details including pics are available on the net . Cheers to you .